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| Leaving Home | |
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| An Example | ||
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When I looked at the family through a multigenerational lens, this is what I saw: First, the girl's mother had lost her own father as a young adolescent. He had simply walked out of the family's life one day, and she had not seen him in 30 years. Second, that grandfather's mother died when he was 8 years old, and his older sister died when he was 14. These traumatic losses had over-shadowed the more predictable separations that occur naturally in all families. The grandfather learned not to take any relationship too seriously--that was his defense, and it made him capable of leaving his family. But his daughter, who watched her own mother's subsequent depression, learned a different lesson--that separation is dangerous and painful, and leaving home means possibly never returning. And somehow, she let her daughter know, and her daughter, with great but unconscious loyalty, found a way to stay home--a way that, because it was distressing enough to generate some anger, also allowed her to maintain some distance. I hope this example hasn't scared you. It's rare and extreme, and anyway, there was a happy ending. I worked with the mother to establish some contact with her lost father whose attempts at contacting her had been rebuffed. Meanwhile, I helped the parents work together at establishing reasonable and above all safe expectations for their daughter. In that process, they addressed what had been covert disagreements about parenting and then rediscovered all the wonderful things that had brought them together in the first place. The girl is back in school and doing just fine. |
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Comments, questions, or suggestions? Please, email me. Family Therapy Home Updated on 06/12/2002 |
